There comes a time in all our lives when we are faced with a decision that stands out from the rest, that marks the way our lives will go, and helps determine who the hell we really are. There was a period of time in my life, a long, long time ago, when I was a selfish, self absorbed bitch, that set my self-obsesed brain really thinking for the first time in my superficial life. There is one word, one single name, that, when heard, brings back that bitterweet time, the happiness that came after it, and the tragedy that followed. One single name, that represents the essence of me, and the homocidal way that I felt when he was so violently ripped from my life. Xander. There, even thinking it now, my eyes fill up with tears, and I start to cry.

Things still remind me of that fateful night that marked the end of high school, and, as I was later to find out, the end of the happiest time of my life. The dark night sky, the full silver moon, the feel of his arm around me... By that time, my decision had already been made. I had traded my social status, my popularity, for him, the lame nerd. The lame nerd that I loved with all my heart and that I never have found a replacement for. The vampire that jumped out of the bushes. Me standing there frozen . I was such a wuss then. I ran like a dog with it's tail beetween it's legs.

His body was never found. But the vampire's was, oh it was. After a year of training harder then Buffy, I found the monster. And I slowly tortured him, every second of inflicting the pain reprisenting every second of my pain. Somehow, word got out, and no vampire has since bothered me, or any of my friends. I didn't stake him, but left his holy water-mutilated body as a warning. I guess everyone was scared of me after that. I left, started a new life.

And now I am back. Back on the twentieth anniversary of when it happened. His memory will not leave me alone. I may be a goverment agent now, but inside me there is still that vulnerable girl that ran at the sight of the monster. And just the memory of him is enough to bring her out again. The memory of his sarcastic comments, of the hours of quality closet time... The vampire had ripped all that away, disbanded the slayarettes. We never joked again in the time of danger.

I hear something behind me, and as I turn around, I come face to face with him. Unchanged. A vampire. I drop my gun and whisper his name. He comes closer. Like I said before, there are decisions in our life that determine our destiny, and who we are, really. This is it. Even bigger then my first one. But it has allready been made for me, because this is a demon inside of Xander's body, not him. And I grab a stake, the one I had planned to dust the vampire with, but never did. I slay him, and he tuns to dust. Now, it is over. The pain is even stronger than before, but I can take it. The memory of him doesn't turn me into a sniveling wuss anymore. Now, it gives me power. Now, intead of being my greatest weakness, it is my biggest strenght as well. Power to be who I really am, and who I want to be. Cordelia Harris Chase. As walk out with my head high, the sunrise greets me and I smile, probably for the first time in twenty years. Cordelia Harris Chase. I am all cried out, now.