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"Change"
By: Jaclyn Amy

DISCLAIMER: I own none of the Buffy characters or the Buffy Sounds sight.
SUMMARY: Buffyís thoughts as she sees the library after the vamps trashed it in Becoming Part 1.


"This isnít about you. This was never about you." No! No, not again! (I started running.) Please, let them be there, still practicing the ritual when I return. Let Xander make wise cracks, Cordelia make fun of them, Willow research some prophesy, Giles have his nose in a book, and Kendra guarding all of them. Donít make them suffer for my mistakes. Donít let them die because I was careless. Donít take them away from me because I was selfish.

//Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does.//

Change. One night, one decision, one careless mistake: all change your life so drastically. I never saw it coming. But I should have. I should have seen the dangers. I should have seen the consequenses. I should have known not to leave them alone. I should have remembered. Last time was a warning. Everything turned out fine. I saved the day after almost completely distroying it. I had another chance. This time was real. There are no second chances, no mercy, no hope. Angel, Angelus, whoever the hell he is right now-heís won. Heís killed me. Maybe not physically, but emotionally Iím gone. Xander was right; I wanted to get my boyfriend back. Look where its got me. Giles, Cordelia, and Xander are gone. Iím not even sure if the vamps were the ones to take them. Willow is probably under the book case. And KendraÖ" (I dove onto the floor.)

//So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.//

Kendra! Oh God, Kendra! Damnit! I should be the one lying dead on the floor, not you. Itís not your fault. Itís not fair to you; you couldnít have known. If life was fair though, Iíd be dead and youíd be alive. One decision, one mistake. Thatís all it took to kill Jenny, to kill her, to kill me. If thereís one thing Iíve learned from tonight, itís that one moment can change your entire life. Or worse yet, it can change somebody elseís. I canít look back on what I did and torture myself. I have to look forward, think about what to do next. No matter what I do, sheís dead. The only thing I can do now is to make sure this canít happen again. I know I canít control the big moments. I have to know how to react. I need to- "FREEZE!" //Youíll see what I mean.//

The End